Ex-Falcons’ Playoff Bracket – There Shall Be Only One

January 18, 2008

Old. Man. Strength.

Apparently, Brett Favre has it in spades, because he’s the only Ex-Falcon left standing. As expected, Grady Jackson’s Jaguars and Patrick Kerney’s Seahawks ran into teams that vastly overmanned them.

The former regular on the early 90’s Buckhead nightlife scene needed only 18 completions to throw 3 TDs, and then let young ‘un Ryan Grant do the rest of the work to the tune of 201 yards and 3 TDs.

 Thus, the Godfather of Ex-Falcons outlasts the recent castoffs.

More than likely, this is due to the fact that he spent one season in an Atlanta uniform, and thus the effects of wearing said colors had a minimal effect on him. What he does against the Giants, a team that is entirely Ex-Falcon free, will go a long way to proving that theory.

As was mentioned in comments on the previous blog, of course, the Falcons trading Favre is one of the most notorious personnel moves in franchise (nay, NFL) history. Whether the Packers win this weekend or not, I’ll give you a few reasons next week why it really is an overblown thing. Several factors played into the trade, and the end result for the Falcons, while not including Mr. Favre, weren’t as terrible as you’d think.

 I know – it sounds crazy, but just bear with me.

For now…we’ll see if #4 still has one of those games left in him. You know, the one where he throws it around indiscriminately for about 3 or 4 picks, and the talking heads on ESPN fawn about how charming, and gunslinging, he is. Meanwhile, we’ll all be scratching our heads at the idea of Eli Manning playing in a Super Bowl.


Every Falcon, Ever, Shutout of NFL Hall of Fame for 37th Consecutive Year

January 16, 2008

ATLANTA – Continuing a proud tradition of anonymity and flash-in-the-pan careers, every Falcon who ever donned the Red and Black for more than one season was yet again left off the list of finalists for induction into the NFL’s Hall of Fame. Since players for the franchise would only have been eligible 5 years after the team’s 1966 inception, this now marks 37 years in which no Falcon has been selected.

A veritable Who’s That of the Franchise’s top players gathered at the teams’ Flowery Branch Headquarters to celebrate this remarkable achievement.

“We’re pretty proud of our ability skirt this whimisical bullshit.” said 5-time All Pro DE Claude Humphrey. “Every year, we rejoice in the fact that our fans don’t have to be force fed ideas about who the great players were. They’re smart enough to realize that voting for these things is skewed heavily thanks to squirelly little journalists, who are swayed easily by a good NFL Film montage.”

While urinating on a picture of Lynn Swann, 5-time Pro Bowl LB Jessie Tuggle was overheard to say “Yeah, I made 2 more Pro Bowls than this guy, and led the NFL in tackles twice, but I think what I’m most proud of is the fact that I don’t have delusional half-wits creating websites that argue I should be in the Hall of Fame.” He paused, mid-stream, and added “I guess John Facenda’s voice can convince people to do alot of things, though.”

The few invited guests were given a special treat this year as running backs William Andrews – the first player to ever have 2 seasons of 2,000 combined rushing/receiving yards , and Jamal Anderson, the NFL record holder for carries in a season, held a joint question and answer session on catastrophic knee injuries and their role in Falcons History.

“It was a close call” Anderson said, “I was one of the most feared running backs in the NFL. If it weren’t for two seperate torn ACLs, I might have let these guys down.”

Andrews added, with a chuckle. “I’m just glad modern medicine wasn’t around when I was playing!”

The night ended with former Falcons Director of Player Personnel, Ken Herock, receiving a special achievement award for masterminding the 1992 trade of Brett Favre.

“It’s truly amazing,” Herock uttered, tears welling up in his eyes, “to realize that I was truly part of something bigger than myself.”

The Falcons Non-Hall of Fame Celebration is an annual event. Beginning in 1981, with the first snubbing of Mr. Falcon, Tommy Nobis, the gathering has since been held every January. Future dates for The FNHOFC will be announced later this year, and every year, until someone on this damn team does something to make media drones stand up and take notice!

Other than dogfighting, of course. The Atlanta Falcons Football Club loves dogs…seriously. 


Ex-Falcons’ Playoff Bracket – Wild Card Round

January 7, 2008

Since the actual Falcons only make the playoffs about twice a decade (sadly, they’ve already used their allotment for the ’00s), it’s a fond past-time here in Losersville to watch guys who once donned a Falcons uniform stride majestically on the Elysian Fields that are post-season football.

Okay, there’s not much majestic to speak of when referring to former-Birds like Lincoln Kennedy and Grady Jackson, but you get the idea.

For brevity’s sake, I’ll leave out those who I can’t really verify do anything but currently take up a uniform number (I’m looking at you, Brian Kozlowski and Matt Lehr), and focus on the guys that actually step on the field after warm-ups.

With that criteria in mind, it was a great weekend for the ex-Falcons! Playing in 3 more games than any current Falcons, they went 2-1.

A brief review of a triumphant ex-Falcons weekend:

Patrick Kerney, Seattle Seahawks – This move has haunted the Falcons all-season. A fan favorite – cut because he was too expensive, and, apparently too old at 30 – Kerney led the NFC with 14.5 sacks this season. Granted, he got to play the O-Lines of Arizona, San Francisco, and St. Louis 6 times, but his numbers definitely show that he has a few good years left in him. Also – he had exactly 14.5 sacks more than Jamaal “Goose Egg” Anderson, who was drafted to replace him.

Kerney’s performance in Saturday’s 35-14 victory over Washington definitely showed that he’s the kind of guy the ex-Falcons will need to reach Super Bowl XLII. Per ESPN’s Matt Mosley:

Patrick Kerney was brilliant Saturday. His ability to bring pressure from his left defensive end spot is what set up the Seahawks linebackers for a huge day. The Redskins had to plan around Kerney, and he blew that game plan up with his relentless effort.

Sigh. This isn’t to mention either that Kerney was usually the one Falcon you could see out amongst the people on your average Saturday night, dogfighting throwdowns not included. Even on the day he was released by Atlanta, I personally witnessed him finding time to kick back a few drinks at Kramer’s and say his farewells to the friends he had made in his 8 seasons in Atlanta.

Gracious to the fans? Unconvicted? Piling up sacks left and right? Yeah – we didn’t need a guy like that this year. Whatever he would’ve cost, it would have been worth it.

Grady Jackson, Jacksonville Jaguars – Always hard to judge a Defensive Tackle based on statistics, but the Falcons questionable release of Jackson in October has been a Godsend to a depleted Jags line, which has endured a struggling, injured, John Henderson, and a 4-game suspension to Marcus Stroud.

A few stats from Saturday’s game can tell the story pretty well, though. The Steelers running game (more potent than your average ground attack, even without Willie Parker), was held to 43 yards on 26 carries. Add that to a 3 INT performance by Ben Roethlisberger…one of which was caused by direct pressure from Jackson…and it’s plain to see the Morbidly Obese One was blowing up the middle of the Steelers line with regularity. It was close, and some questionable decisions were made by Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, but the Jags prevailed 31-29.

If you’ll remember, former Falcons Coach Bobby Petrino cited a movement towards youth when he released Jackson. He then took his desire for youth in the Falcons organization to the next level by resigning to make way for what will likely be a younger coach.  That’s dedication to a plan.

Allen Rossum, Pittsburgh Steelers – Didn’t play due to a hamstring injury. I don’t begrudge the Falcons for dumping an aging kick returner. He couldn’t have done much to turn the Falcons season around anyway, regardless of the abundance of opportunities. Still – Steelers fans have to wonder if Rossum the ex-Falcon could have done what Rossum the Falcon did to St. Louis in the 2005 playoffs.

We’ll continue to monitor the progress of the ex-Falcons next week, as we welcome the Godfather of ex-Falcons, Brett Favre, to the fray.