Every Falcon, Ever, Shutout of NFL Hall of Fame for 37th Consecutive Year

January 16, 2008

ATLANTA – Continuing a proud tradition of anonymity and flash-in-the-pan careers, every Falcon who ever donned the Red and Black for more than one season was yet again left off the list of finalists for induction into the NFL’s Hall of Fame. Since players for the franchise would only have been eligible 5 years after the team’s 1966 inception, this now marks 37 years in which no Falcon has been selected.

A veritable Who’s That of the Franchise’s top players gathered at the teams’ Flowery Branch Headquarters to celebrate this remarkable achievement.

“We’re pretty proud of our ability skirt this whimisical bullshit.” said 5-time All Pro DE Claude Humphrey. “Every year, we rejoice in the fact that our fans don’t have to be force fed ideas about who the great players were. They’re smart enough to realize that voting for these things is skewed heavily thanks to squirelly little journalists, who are swayed easily by a good NFL Film montage.”

While urinating on a picture of Lynn Swann, 5-time Pro Bowl LB Jessie Tuggle was overheard to say “Yeah, I made 2 more Pro Bowls than this guy, and led the NFL in tackles twice, but I think what I’m most proud of is the fact that I don’t have delusional half-wits creating websites that argue I should be in the Hall of Fame.” He paused, mid-stream, and added “I guess John Facenda’s voice can convince people to do alot of things, though.”

The few invited guests were given a special treat this year as running backs William Andrews – the first player to ever have 2 seasons of 2,000 combined rushing/receiving yards , and Jamal Anderson, the NFL record holder for carries in a season, held a joint question and answer session on catastrophic knee injuries and their role in Falcons History.

“It was a close call” Anderson said, “I was one of the most feared running backs in the NFL. If it weren’t for two seperate torn ACLs, I might have let these guys down.”

Andrews added, with a chuckle. “I’m just glad modern medicine wasn’t around when I was playing!”

The night ended with former Falcons Director of Player Personnel, Ken Herock, receiving a special achievement award for masterminding the 1992 trade of Brett Favre.

“It’s truly amazing,” Herock uttered, tears welling up in his eyes, “to realize that I was truly part of something bigger than myself.”

The Falcons Non-Hall of Fame Celebration is an annual event. Beginning in 1981, with the first snubbing of Mr. Falcon, Tommy Nobis, the gathering has since been held every January. Future dates for The FNHOFC will be announced later this year, and every year, until someone on this damn team does something to make media drones stand up and take notice!

Other than dogfighting, of course. The Atlanta Falcons Football Club loves dogs…seriously. 

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